Counterfeit
by ArkTaisch
Summary: In a universe full of clones and android duplicates, people will inevitably take countermeasures, but sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. (Written for the Writers Anonymous Drabble Challenge)


The man who met Osgood at the wooden dock was outlandishly outfitted in a veiled hat, sunglasses, and white drapery. "Welcome to the Island of Doctor Kreiner."

"More like the Island of Misfit Toys," said the monkey scampering up next to Kreiner, who looked disappointed at Osgood's lack of recognition.

"You know, Marlon Brando as Moreau, with the ice bucket on his head."

"Ghastly movie," said the monkey.

"I've read the book. It didn't end well." Osgood studied her hosts, wondering which one was the Zygon. "Is this some mistake?"

"Yes," agreed the monkey. "But not the one you think."

* * *

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* * *

His world-saving days were well behind him. Fitz hadn't blundered into an alien invasion in years. The most dangerous part of his life was his smoking habit, and he had even managed to kick that recently.

Hence his shock when two blobs of light descended out of the sky to hit him with a scanning ray.

"Assessment complete. Verdict: counterfeit. Sentence..."

Identity crisis? He was so over that, too. He took off, not waiting for—

"...immediate execution."

Not as nimble as he used to be, either — too slow to avoid the black trapezoid that dropped from nowhere into his path.

* * *

Catching the monkey alone, Osgood pointed an accusing finger. "You're not a Zygon." How had it known the old code-phrase?

"I was, before I died."

"Died?"

"Missy." The name was nearly explanation enough. "Instead of turning me into a Cyberman like the rest, she put me in this body. A joke, a backup plan in her schemes against the Doctor, who knows?"

"No one's seen her since she went back in time to look for him. Wait... is she the reason you summoned me?"

"She's always high on the list of suspects."

Heart sinking, Osgood asked, "What's she done now?"

* * *

Fitz's rescuer looked like he had just stepped out of an opera — one drenched in blood and treachery. Black clothes and smug arrogance were familiar, though the face was not.

The dead giveaway was the central column and the almost inaudible hum of a TARDIS.

The knowledge came as a jolt to his stomach. "You're a Time Lord!"

"Not as stupid as you look, then."

"Guess I owe you my life. Cheers, mate."

"I'm merely testing a hypothesis." Cold eyes raked over him. "I take it you're one of the Doctor's little pets?"

"What? No, I mean, not—"

"Not anymore?"

* * *

The island housed a sleek laboratory filled with an assortment of alien and human technology. The woman who showed Osgood around the place introduced herself as Wu Fei. "And that's..."

The other woman glanced up from her computer with a smile. "Jane Smith."

Osgood gaped, recognizing the face from the UNIT archives. "You can't be. You're too young!"

"Yes, well, the Kraal didn't bother to account for aging," said Jane. "They expected to conquer the planet within the year."

"I'm amazed you lasted this long," said Wu Fei. "Now, an Urbankan android is built for eternity."

"An eternity of tedium."

* * *

"You gonna explain what's going on, mate?"

"Much as it pains me to admit this, you and I have something in common," the Time Lord told Fitz.

"Yeah?"

"We've been targeted by a pair of obnoxious little murderbots."

"What? Why?"

"You're not the original Fitz Kreiner."

No use denying it anymore. "This version of me was remembered into existence by the Doctor's TARDIS. And you?"

"I hail from an obscure timeline of dubious reality, which the idiot AI interprets as an attempt to impersonate this universe's version of me."

"You mentioned the Doctor. Is he involved?"

"That _is_ the question."

* * *

"Kreiner doesn't have the wherewithal to assemble all this," Osgood asserted with the confidence of having read his file.

"No, that was me." The man who walked into the lab was obviously an incarnation of the Master, but insisted they call him "Koschei."

"Why?"

"To rid myself of a nuisance. Which incidentally will help the lot of you."

The monkey made a rude noise.

Koschei looked injured. "Please. You think I would do this to myself?"

"You've done worse," said the monkey.

"But why gather us here?"

"First, to determine the parameters of the attack. Second, to bait a trap."

* * *

Koschei found them scattered through time and space, all with some association with the Doctor.

His TARDIS tracked the various potential victims, snatching them as they were attacked, and in a few cases, even if they weren't. Android Jane made the cut, but android Wu Fei didn't. Nor did the monkey who had once been an Osgood. He then deposited them on a tropical island.

The sight of peacocks roaming the woodline inspired Fitz to adopt the persona of Doctor Moreau, hoping he might thus evade the killer robots. It would be stupid to rely on Koschei to protect him.

* * *

The plan was to overwhelm the bots with potential targets, delaying them long enough to be captured and traced.

The last decoy was an android replica of the eighth incarnation of the Doctor. Koschei took it out of its box and assembled it.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor," chirped the android. "I get... results!" It gurgled, filling a glass with sparkling water.

"Found it in Kreiner's attic," explained Koschei.

Everyone else stared at Fitz. "Something you want to tell us, Kreiner?"

He flushed. "It's a novelty drinks dispenser. Souvenir of that time I got to be the brains of the operation."

* * *

Osgood wasn't happy about trusting a Dalek robo-duplicate with operation of the shield protecting the island, but Professor Bracewell was endearingly earnest in his assurances to her.

"I'm my own man these days."

"As soon as the shield is lifted, we can expect attack," said Wu Fei. "This is your last chance to get in on the betting pool."

"I have ten quid on Missy," the monkey told Osgood.

"Rogue Time Agents."

"Torchwood Four."

"Enough frivolity. Places, everyone!" Koschei clapped his hands sharply, stationing himself at the controls of a Time Lord weapon supposedly beyond the comprehension of lesser beings.

* * *

"It was clearly your fault."

The killer robots had escaped from the trap, and the Doctor and Koschei were arguing over the blame. The faces changed, but the bickering stayed the same.

Osgood tried to distract them. She gestured at this latest version of the Doctor. "You're not listed in the UNIT files."

"Not your UNIT, no."

"And he's an android?" Osgood glanced at the alternate Doctor's alternate Master, who was at that moment poking at the novelty drinks dispenser Doctor.

"How the mighty have fallen."

"Good lord!" The alternate Doctor's face creased in irritation. "I'd almost rather have Kamelion..."

* * *

"They tried to kill us. Of course we followed them." The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Honestly, I thought you were better at improvisation."

Koschei gritted his teeth. "If some fool hadn't blundered in at precisely the wrong moment..."

"Three days," decided Osgood. Wu Fei had started another betting pool on how long it would take before their assortment of Time Lords settled down and cooperated.

"The sooner we track the damned mosquitoes back to their source, the sooner we can get back to more interesting pursuits," grumbled the Doctor.

"The sooner you accept my guidance, the sooner that will happen."

* * *

"It's _his_ fault!" Finally, all the versions of the Doctor (they had picked up a Flesh duplicate somewhere along the way) and the Master agreed on something.

Osgood cleared her throat. "One problem. He doesn't exist in our reality."

"Not at the moment, no," said the Ganger Doctor. "But he'll be back. He has to return Benny, after all. We can wait. We're good at waiting!"

The android Master shot him a long-suffering look before he and Koschei programmed new coordinates into their TARDISes.

"But I don't understand why I, I mean he, would do something so—"

"Stupid?"

"Reckless?"

"—shortsighted."

* * *

Fitz was completely unsurprised to find out that yet another alternate Doctor from yet another alternate reality had tangled up their timelines in a knot and set killer robots on them by accident. "So his solution to being stuck in a dying universe was to sign up for a free trial with the killer robot company. As you do."

"Basically," agreed Osgood.

"Not only that, he chose the 'friends and family' package, enabling him to piggyback on their timewarp technology to connect to Professor Summerfield," said Jane.

"But instead of escaping, he dragged her into his universe," Fitz concluded.

"Yup."

* * *

"I _meant_ to cancel my subscription before anything untoward happened," the other Doctor said when the angry mob of androids, clones, and alternate reality counterparts cornered him.

"Bit late for that," Fitz complained. "Nearly got incinerated by bloody flying bots."

"Yes, well, I'm terribly sorry." The Doctor looked unrepentant. "But I've notified the company now; you shouldn't have any more problems with that."

"Wonderful!" The Ganger Doctor rubbed his hands in satisfaction. "Right, time to be getting home. Who's riding with whom?"

Fitz turned to Wu Fei. "The real question is, who had 'alternate universe Doctor' in your betting pool?"


End file.
